Haven’t a clue why I put a smiley face up there but I did. What a grumpy old bitch I have been today, much happier this evening after a drink n smoke. Much more chilled and relaxed, strange old mood, strange old day.
I normally love Saturday’s, it’s my adventure out to as many Jumble Sales my friend and I can fit in, in one day. Sometimes we travel miles and most we’ve done is 9 in a day. that was a while back though, not so many going on these days, although there bloody should be. With ‘cut-backs’ cheaper we can get things - the better =O)
In the queue at the first Jumble of the day roughly about 9.40am , I just sooooo wanted to slap the face of a girl in the queue because I didn’t particularly like hearing her conversation about getting fat eating cheese. I bloody love cheese and that is why I am fat !! Skinny overdressed faded tan stupid big mouthed bitch !
Cor that feels better now I’ve said it …………… Heck ! I didn’t say anything at that time but inside I was screaming, I even told my buddie I wanted to slap the girls face. Why at the time I had not got a clue but slap her I so wanted to.
Releasing that has just made the day a hell of alot easier and yet I had a go at someone else and ended up buying loads of bloody headscarves just because some silly cow decided to look through the same box that I was.
Now, come on ! the box was about 12″ 12″ square, my hands and body take up alot of room !! yet somehow, this stuck up female decided to start looking through the same box, so f*** it ! I bought the bloody lot. Why? Why do that ?? Invade my personal space and the stuff I was looking at? arrogant ! So, I bought the bloody lot, the bloody lot !! polyester, garie, old ladies bloody scarves, I bought the lot !! they cost me £2.20 but it was £2.20 well bloody spent just so she couldn’t buy any.
Ridiculous, I know ! But that was the mood I was in and it just seemed to continue throughout the day, one bloody thing after another. I was tired, drank too much last night, early morning (for me) as it was Jumbling Day.
I won’t resort to being on sickness benefit, the money is pityful and I am then restricted to what hours I can work and how much I can earn and I do want to be self sufficient. So I am self employed and buy and sell to the best of my ability. Saturday is shopping day and we tour (my Buddie and I) the south east buying to sell on – exhilirating ! Especially when you buy something for under £1 and sell it for so much profit, but, stressful buying!! Today was a good day really, I hate to go in with the general public, it’s too crowded and I get pissed off really easily. I prefer to go in as a dealer, pay a little more and not have to suffer the crush and the smells !! Eugh ! The smells……
Do you want me to tell you about the smells? When you crouch under a table to see what is there and all you can smell at that level is what is at that level, bearing in mind there are old, rough, unclean bodies amongst the others. Not nice smell, believe me ! But needs must, sometimes you need to hold your breath and duck under, you can get some good finds!!!
So, Jumbling was pretty crap today, I wasn’t in the mood and the jumbles werent that great either….but….. when we got back and went through what we’d got, my buddie had picked up this mechanical calculator from 1948 value approx £500 – £870 we were screaching like kids and banshee’s together, but still I wasnt in a good mood just couldnt shake it.
Bloody dog escaped the front door and decided to do a Tigger impression and danced in the road, causing traffic to stop and me desperately trying to coax him back. the more I coaxed, the more he danced !! The driver of the car that had stopped got out, his passenger had her door open and the bloody dog thought it was a game, great !!
By then, I was so fucked off I could have screamed and screamed again. Luckily my lodger offered to take him out with him in his car and I headed to the sofa with a blanket hoping to sleep the foul mood off.
My day sort of got better when I logged on and saw that I had actualy had 14 hits !! Fab, someone is interested !!! Time will tell xxx
Now then ! Tonight I am a different person !!! Chilled & relaxed. Consumed some wine and feeling so much better for it, bloody hell x
Looking back on my day, what a grouchy grumpy middle aged old bag !!!! That is what I saw, that is how I feel and yet nothing had set my day off to a bad start.
Sunday 2moro, long dog walk somewhere good. Lots of exercise and fresh air, great for the spirit and the soul x Fingers crossed for a better day =O)
OMG! It’s Mother’s Day, it’s gonna be a weepy one !!!
Nite nite all
Love n Peace xxx
Saturday, 2 April 2011
So !!! Here we go………
Crikey this is scarey !! Unleashing the thoughts and craziness of my head on the public, will you understand, will you be able to relate at all to the ever changing emotions and uncontrollable constance of it all. I struggle but hey! I’ve been doing it for years, it happens without me even realising, let me know what you think.
Last night when I was in the bath, it came to me – write a blog. How bloody stupid my 2nd thought, who the heck is going to want to listen or read the rantings of a mad woman trying to get control of her life. then I laughed, this could be entertaining, there’s never a dull moment in my life, if there is I am usually crying and getting over something else pretty insignificant or petty but yes, it could be interesting to others who don’t know where to even start understanding what mental health is all about.
What the F*** I though, it’s free, if it doesnt work, what have I got to lose, I want to do this to help me get through this time in my life, I keep hearing its time to talk and the boundaries of mental health should be broken down, I’ll give it a go !!!
You think of mental health and you steer clear, it’s a natural reaction !! I still unconsciously do it myself then I have to stop and think – Hey that’s you too, silly byrd ! It could happen to anyone, any walk of life and without much notice, there is such a fine line.
So, here I am, warts n all…………… you decide x
Briefly my background. parents split when I was approx 4/5 both were military. Father a complete and utter disciplinarian, Mother I didnt get to know until I was approx 15, my views of her are understanding but pity at the same time. My father I now cannot abide, he put me through suffering of many degrees and it leave the bitterest of tastes in my mouth.
Sexually abused at the age of 8-10 and again 11-12 by non family members.
Childrens Home because of abusive Father at 15, reunited at 16 and then kicked out of home at 17. Took on a mortgage at 18 only to run away twice from the pressures as already was prescribed valium and hitting the bottle badly.
Hooley life / Lived things up away from all responsiblities until age of 22 then I fell pregnant with my son, my boy, my whole life. Married at 23, divorced at 27 even though I had been with my son’s father and my boyfriend of 8 years !! Violent and abusive relationship on both parts, something I had lived through as a child and did not want my son to go through the same.
Here I am now, grown up son and finally learning who I am, why I am like I am and what I can do to make my life better for all of those involved xxx
Last night when I was in the bath, it came to me – write a blog. How bloody stupid my 2nd thought, who the heck is going to want to listen or read the rantings of a mad woman trying to get control of her life. then I laughed, this could be entertaining, there’s never a dull moment in my life, if there is I am usually crying and getting over something else pretty insignificant or petty but yes, it could be interesting to others who don’t know where to even start understanding what mental health is all about.
What the F*** I though, it’s free, if it doesnt work, what have I got to lose, I want to do this to help me get through this time in my life, I keep hearing its time to talk and the boundaries of mental health should be broken down, I’ll give it a go !!!
You think of mental health and you steer clear, it’s a natural reaction !! I still unconsciously do it myself then I have to stop and think – Hey that’s you too, silly byrd ! It could happen to anyone, any walk of life and without much notice, there is such a fine line.
So, here I am, warts n all…………… you decide x
Briefly my background. parents split when I was approx 4/5 both were military. Father a complete and utter disciplinarian, Mother I didnt get to know until I was approx 15, my views of her are understanding but pity at the same time. My father I now cannot abide, he put me through suffering of many degrees and it leave the bitterest of tastes in my mouth.
Sexually abused at the age of 8-10 and again 11-12 by non family members.
Childrens Home because of abusive Father at 15, reunited at 16 and then kicked out of home at 17. Took on a mortgage at 18 only to run away twice from the pressures as already was prescribed valium and hitting the bottle badly.
Hooley life / Lived things up away from all responsiblities until age of 22 then I fell pregnant with my son, my boy, my whole life. Married at 23, divorced at 27 even though I had been with my son’s father and my boyfriend of 8 years !! Violent and abusive relationship on both parts, something I had lived through as a child and did not want my son to go through the same.
Here I am now, grown up son and finally learning who I am, why I am like I am and what I can do to make my life better for all of those involved xxx
Time to Talk, so here I am…. New but ready to give it a go
I just thought I was a litle screwed up in the head and depressed !!
Then I saw a leaflet that outlined BPD
Borderline Personality Disorder when I read it years ago in a doctors referal note I thought it meant that I was on the borderline of having a personality disorder because my depression was so bad, noone ever explained it to me, I had always thought I had and was being treated with depression
It was then I began to research what this disorder was, it was then that I found me………………..
This is the start of my everyday feelings, living with and recognising BPD in my thoughts and behaviour and tales to tell of the way I have behaved in years gone by.
I am on the NHS waiting list to have more councelling as this year has already started on a tough note (well, end of last I spose) but nonetheless, I am using you and wordpress to talk, to help me get through this low period so that I can get back to being fully functional again……..
Follow me into my mind, get an idea of living with Borderline Personality Disorder……………. Welcome x
Then I saw a leaflet that outlined BPD
Borderline Personality Disorder when I read it years ago in a doctors referal note I thought it meant that I was on the borderline of having a personality disorder because my depression was so bad, noone ever explained it to me, I had always thought I had and was being treated with depression
It was then I began to research what this disorder was, it was then that I found me………………..
This is the start of my everyday feelings, living with and recognising BPD in my thoughts and behaviour and tales to tell of the way I have behaved in years gone by.
I am on the NHS waiting list to have more councelling as this year has already started on a tough note (well, end of last I spose) but nonetheless, I am using you and wordpress to talk, to help me get through this low period so that I can get back to being fully functional again……..
Follow me into my mind, get an idea of living with Borderline Personality Disorder……………. Welcome x
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